My Diary "wakes up, looks at me with her dark eyes and swallowing the lump is in my throat, says" I am happy ""
Diary
I just finally bed the girl, after several hours of crying, hugging me. It started as one of many games in which I teach and be strong defense in martial arts. Hence the girl started hitting me really trying, and taking all the time trying to contain his anger towards me and made the world. His blows were so poorly made that being stopped by me, became even more damage. I started playing laughing calling him sissy, but inside I knew what was going on and broke my heart and more soul for my helplessness of not having known how to provide what she needs. His pride in me, kept him show his anger, while tears ran down her cheeks. We stopped the fight game and each went to a room as many days. He was aware that something was impossible for my daughter evolve. I went with her and sitting beside me breaking mourn embraced several hours. Occasionally managed to distinguish what he said and justified those emotions which are summarized say ... that while you have to live in a house where you say it is a nuisance, which restricts freedom of his mother to have life, if you follow the guidelines of his father to make life impossible for the mother, who knows when strikeout model of kindness, education and obedience. Mother said no more than a ... afortunadamente¡'s as if I was kidnapped or detained, not allowed to see me only when appropriate. You're the last one who leaves me when he has to go clubbing or have to do a favor for someone. Often leaves me to sleep over at friends to go with boyfriend ... turn. Minutes later another battery sobs looks up and asks me if I want to. That he left me corneas without understanding and realizing that was what I had. He confessed that his mother does not love and concern and distress at this time was that he had as a refugee in me to get over it, I thought to begin to rebuild my life with Core, I divide my heart her away from me, as he had been doing recent months I only had time for her and not for my own daughter. He no longer had his only refuge in me, second me question after another string of sobs that wants my happiness and what is best for all that she had not been born. That overcame me so that I apologized for failing to support a family, being useless as my father said. By not being able to get more money, ultimately for having destroyed my daughter's life. Both felt the same, is very hard to recognize a liability. I had thought both disappear did not know to where it could be needed. I managed to calm her down, I had to teach to the results of my analysis and recognize that it was she who had unwittingly made me get out of bed many days to move forward. I was grateful that she would continue to love me and not succumbed to many psychologists and brainwashed by his other family against me, changing their playtime with dolls for older strategies.
Now he's asleep and I have to go over really am a complete failure, so much struggle, so many mistakes that have outgrown digits calculator and weight of responsibility, blame the misfortunes of her that almost no more I can not know how, do not know what happened to. Look internally and find myself a sick body, psychologically tired and unable to lift some weights 25 kg., Where once lifted 100 kg in snatch. Review the curriculum, contracts of my working life and drives me crazy to see how much effort is paper and sometimes wet paper. I keep looking and I see that I live in the past, I do not see tomorrow and I keep reading over and over the positt of "The night is long but passes" that prevented many nights commit insane. I watch the clock and marks seven o'clock, I've been crying like failure when he was four years then did rage. I look out the window and I see a darkness like the crisis, I see a country that is falling apart without understanding how a city of traditions, and tourism officials that may occur. Review the agenda of contacts looking for a light and see bankruptcies, divorces, unemployment and family with feet of clay. I look at the calendar for a schedule and try to see horrible years of further falls. I watch my secret notes that so often took me out of trouble and I see clearly, they have become obsolete, or maybe my psychological strength is exhausted. Ascending to the girl's room and from the doorway sorry I made the gift of life to make it a miserable Impotente¡. As I lie in your old mouse and grab his hand, as if he was aware that the house would remove in a matter of days. Does God Exist? My strong convictions on family principles the broke me, my religious beliefs that many saves still do not work and only I find peace in Six Feet Under because I also know what it feels like (it was buried a kidnapped time). What do you feel? I felt bad at first, overwhelmed, lonely, cold, impotence, anxiety, you want to be out and the earth holding you back, you beg, beg, until you realize that the dark surrounds you peace, tranquility frost. That no one's gonna save you, your salvation lies in letting go, so everyone wins, my family does not give money, I get rid of resentments and traumas. I see no light at the end of the tunnel and your loved ones are waiting for you, but there is no crying, no bills and the material has disappeared from the high levels of importance. "
Change of position because I have had enough bones or myself and the mat is small. I decide to get up and go throwing last look back at the girl who now sleeps peacefully. I break again thinking that if I with my physical strength, my size, my experience and my knowledge I am not able to see the sunrise, to help her, to get her out of his executioner (His own mother) She is meat my flesh what would then be expected that tiny, petite girl after all with many years left in the hands of people hostile ?. As with Core, all to fulfill the law! By my self-discipline that makes me in the eyes of everyone in a civilized, but for me I'm a coward. It stirs in bed and walk away while waiting for did not wake you, enjoy those moments that veil for you because tomorrow I will not be able hacer¡ Under the office and I cover my face with my hands as they return to jump my tears. I punishment for trying to be happy, for trying to rebuild my life, how I can be entitled to it if I have failed with it? I do not understand the destination, do not understand why I fail again and again, sometimes I put this down to the character, other heart and always myself. It seems that brightens the day and still do not know what I'll do, and books do not satisfy me, no one will hire me at this age and with so many people in crisis, I must once again to paint my destiny. There are almost no paint cans and brushes so wonderful the beginning of my life are almost hairless to use. I will look more a distraction for when you wake up. Another lesson that can save some time and hopefully let the tears for the next night and keep on demonstrating strong and great I am.
I pick up the mask and the rack because daylight begins and the sun's rays can harm the true and weak ego. The mask that served so many days, it is no longer able to protect or conceal. Instead she wakes looks at me with her dark eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat has me smiling and hugging me says "I am happy". I can not swallow the lump in my throat and mask barely hold back the tears. I do not know what will happen when leaving in a few hours back at the home where a mother waiting to pay her the pieces of his rage against me, his lack of fulfillment in your life or whatever syndrome which made him finish once with antidepressants pharmacies. Again I must comply with laws imposed, with unfair rules do pay in a few years innocent of the frustration of a mother. Because you have to remember that the greatness of the people of speakers representing a mother with synonyms of resignation, devotion, love, comfort, and i do not know what else I never had it myself? I see it as the likes of those qualifying meet again with the repetition of my life. I does not hurt me. In my daughter breaks into pieces without even letting me the option to remove it from the cruel farce without me denounce kidnapping. Nor does it allow me to give up being to blame for their cross because I'm still alive. Because we both want and that makes the ropes even more cruel.Yuck mediocre politicians and judges who think just leave us fotografiados¡ Who makes up for those lost years? I ask you to surrender to me as I did with Core on the advice of the psychiatrist, albeit false. May we live our love secret forbidden love as two romances, but in this case the paternal filial love. She answered me that if you do not see me, Who will teach things to survive in life? What can shelter shoulder then? There are still many years before his release that prison bars to reach adulthood, but then how will I be? Have I been able to survive? I keep it looking out the window and the sun's rays cover the fogs to come when deposited in the arms of his executioner, his madre¡ What accounts and no one believes me, I blamed jealousy and grudges What else Dai The pity is that the forty-three thousand hours that remain for release will not prevent suffering increase the width of the wounds of the soul and mind.Mother no more than a ... .afortuna-damente¡ phrase I've repeated many times in my life since I was four. I remember when my parents and I sat on a kitchen chair and I commented thousand times that a child had not been sought nor wanted. My father did not want children because they had grown to ten orphans in war. They had tried before and that frustrated abortion older brother. That had realized that fifty years old my father would soon become old and my mother forsake life routines. They confessed that they had decided together to have a "baculito" for old age; since then the mantras and teachings were aimed at that end, so I could never cut the chains binding or because the umbilical cord was "baculito". They used the phrase fifteen times a day "are useless"; mental punishment if it was not the first at all and if it failed to "Duty". I certify that these daily jingles made their mark on the brain, to the point where I gave up love, to work to work progressions and sometimes to my own life because he was "the baculito". Nobody could serve them but me, no one could clean their stuff but me, no one could move them but me, no one could ensure that their illnesses were not the baculito. Always envied the other children when they looked accompanied by their mothers. Mine never came for me, and take me to school. Never came to parent meetings. He was never in any of the five surgical operations. Or see me at the hospital when I had the accident.
I see with pity my daughter, who was sought at the time, wanted and found. It is now rejected and despised by the father who, by the mere fact that bears my blood. Because every time I look at her see me, because I want and am not able to protect her from her executioner ... .¡su madre¡ arrives home from school to care for your words and comes to take care of activities and joys no go to be causing a punishment or to make a false anger and mourn and be glad your mother. Use the opportunity to take her to a psychologist and show how evil that comes from his father's house. Long ago taught her to cook several recipes, because my daughter should be many times lunch and dinner because the mother does not give her to eat or are too busy talking on the phone and always under the threat of "I can put you in jail whenever your father "or" if you do not get it do not ever see your father. "In the end, all because mother no more than a ... .afortuna-damente¡ How different Core and hijos¡ The first of unwanted teen pregnancy, second from rape within marriage and the third despite contraindications myoma after operation. Does God Exist? Is there a guardian angel? Is there justice? Is it luck? Is there fate? I guess when the mother needs help because she is old, you have to change your incontinence diapers, put the bib to eat porridge, ensure your senile dementia or push your wheelchair. Then also my daughter will be criticized and labeled a bad person if you do not. Even have the same sense of guilt that I itself after more than thirty years of baculito how hard it is to know that you have brought to the world than to be a slave lujo¡.
The sheet of newspaper is running out and get a new mask hook rack, I hope that it works better than the last. You have to dress to bring the warmth of his mother. A burning heat and not comforted, lacerating and no cure, but there is no mother but a afortunadamente¡ ... I think the next night, when the sun goes down, perhaps out of habit or perhaps because they want to see what will happen when I get it, old noisy kisses on the portal for everyone to hear them, but after closing the door of the house, the anger for no real reason. It will just cause that provokes the case is that she cries at bedtime because fortunately "mother there is only one." That's the comfort we both. When I say goodbye to smile than 42,990 hours and we are to be free. That will not be considered as domestic abuse, because my daughter still does not vote in the next election. I hope more is a lawyer and defend these injustices.
I close my journal and reflect on how the woman who has experienced violence becomes unable to control his will, over time, developing the "condition of learned helplessness"; preventing you from recognizing the opportunity to escape. All because early social influences in a woman facilitate psychological impotence condition. If you add the constant repetition every day what it does is that resilience to decline further and lasting absolute submission. Techniques are learned from evil cults, but many people carry in their genes. I must fight at least in my daughter who is time developing their cognitive ability to perceive the success of this reaction at the time, to recognize the perpetrator whatever their gender and condition.
And in that thought I fell asleep on the Chester-my study. Upon awakening had stuck a piece of paper with a zeal to live up to my head saying ...
Note
"Dad, thanks for everything. I know you always tell me that I have to thank you, but I do not care what you say. P ecause I always want
A lthough I do not behave
T o you are my only
You always love you.
Because you are always with me in good times and bad, giving me your love and affection. With me you have tremendous patience and accept me as I am. You're always be in my heart and. A kiss "your daughter".