March 25
It was on the terrace of a bar in my town, thinking about our fate. What is true love? He had found definitions, quotes and messages everywhere but none satisfied my need. In my hands was a book entitled "Notre coeur" of Maupassant, which defined love as "a short word but it contains all means the body, the soul, the life, the entire being. We felt like we feel the heat of the blood, we breathe the air we breathe, we take in us as we bring our thoughts. For us there is nothing else. It is not a word; is an ineffable state expressed with four letters ... "
I chased again and again the evil thought that he could not understand why Core, had succumbed to the guy, instead of me, twenty years ago? Explanation was just what Ovid said "Haec quoque, quan potreéis nolle credere, Vollet" ("That same which you may believe you do not want, want"). Love is always bound terms as opposite as pain, satisfaction and happiness. All religions are exalted by "offering" of that pain and suffering for the love that they feel. Would Core offering his pain as a sign of his love ?.Ufff¡ my head was a shaker of opposing ideas that did not clarify my relationship and my future less.
Early in the morning I got the call Core routine. We talked for a couple hours. Hanging up the phone, so I figured he had been spending the night. Core I imagined looking in the mirror only home admitting that time concluded. That gray hair began to cover his head, the wrinkles began to make deep grooves in your hands. He realized that his third train had passed. That only a year later had the last chance. Why wait another twenty years ... Although the future finally join us, we would offer the other just the beginning of a future with two decrepit bodies and drooling. Issues unacceptable to them. Unable to erase the memories of two hot, strong and agile bodies that twenty years ago had their first train. Four years after they squandered the second train and today they had buried the third one.
I paid the bill and walked again for those streets of Toledo. He was tired of walking alone, I wondered if my time apart from her, would you be giving your purpose clearly ?, I had had time to reflect, enjoy and sometimes almost to mourn, watching and checking every day that much to explore in my life, even to work and enjoy, remained ignorant and had not even begun to learn the things of this world. Now having absorbed so much knowledge was in the situation of being aware that I was more to learn, yet not understand humans or understand why so many things, so many deaths, so much suffering. I stopped at a shop window of a restaurant watching me in the reflection and seeing an old man who needed two other lives and learn to see what was left and it remained little of this life Who was she kidding? I no longer had another twenty years without it. I felt sorry for the lost minute nonsense now no longer had. That was exactly what I needed to cheer and forget that in one lifetime not have time to learn all knowledge of the earth, much less come to understand the Why? so many things, that should be reality! or maybe no ?. Now I expect a new future. Or maybe not ?. She asked me this morning what if would be able to wait ?. The answer to your question was emailed, for the record written my state and my feelings before we met the next day, a period in which the respective commitments kept us away.
letter
Loved, loved, former and future of many things as you want. The truth is that it seems almost ridiculous that at this point does not know how to address you, not even like to meet someone. You are my lover today and not tomorrow. You're my partner yesterday and not today. You're my future wife yesterday and today; and maybe tomorrow not know either. I'm sure you're my friend and you're with me when you do not need the rest. The other day I wondered, what was it I wanted? and I keep telling you I'm here, I'm there or I'm anywhere. I love you and want you. That I said "yes" to your question married. That this rubber band to which I submit yourself is not compatible with the desire to seek stability and promise. Surely all changed when it has happened this year or maybe not. I might say that if we get married and leave me hanging on the altar. Maybe you fulfill all your "I can promise and promise" and let me love you once.
I envy those who have been able to open your door, because I admit that so far have been unable. I always stay on the street, with a pat on the back and saying "Quiet, wait.'re The one but still is not the time" Twenty years, exceed the sentence for murder, he would have preferred to have committed a crime to deserve it. You asked me, what was what I needed in my life? and the answer is simple, I need you to ti¡ and stability for the remainder of my life. If we could divide a sheet of paper and put each one on each side so that we can provide. In half of the leaf that falls to me I can put love, honesty, generosity, delivery, solutions and resolution. I can add defense, selflessness, dedication, rehabilitation, love again, baby, cuddling, romance, economics, knowledge and company. That is what I am, what I have and my life. On the downside I contribute too, a somewhat battered body, an impulsive character for better or for worse, I cover calling her resignation patience, some selfishness occasionally reminiscent of my past that you know almost everything. In my defense I commented that with a modicum of trust and credibility I grow up and I unimaginable synergies, but I sink with the economy and I grow up with serious issues.
I think that after that year that lies ahead, and become a family and get married. But on your side of the paper do not offer anything, do not contribute strength, only futuribles no real base. You talk about that "We have a future," but I leave it on the curb every few minutes. You say you want me but prepend the dog before me. You say you are romantic and even the day of love are together. You need to take charge of your life and I agree, so I want to dial the pattern you want to follow, but when I let go and you be the boss, you get scared.
The day passes and you alone in the company misleads you. You need me to tell you everything and nullify me. The phrase "I know ..." is a common catchphrase. You ask me loudly to help and when I do I isolate yourself. You do not want to give up you, nor you me, but let me always saved in the toy box in the attic. You have seen with your clairvoyance real world, not the created in your imagination, to show you the difference between what you offered and I really between what you said you offered me. In this world of poisoning and manipulation is impossible for me to fuse my daughter, who has accepted you as a mother figure and longs and take months without calling knowing who has been sick.
If not affect third parties admit that life you offer me. Admit the same offering future offer and close his eyes to the evidence. Seat your approach eventually forget everything and enjoy (as you say literally a hundred thousand times a day) and when I do not find that you like and tell me that's not what you want either. You ask me to admit to your children and they do not want me to see without even knowing. Although the results of the analyzes are still here and ask me confidence, I come to think about whether it was all a lie. Is it true that you've spent on each side to show how bad the other? and you expect something thus unite? At this time or you yourself know what you want. So my proposal is to admit your planning to know each other day by day and enjoy the views at the year ahead and put some thousands of candles so that no one would Averie their future health, dog or whatever. Or else plantéame alternatives and show me that at least the future is a reality, because to me they I ran out of ideas.